!@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@!
I'm EXTREMELY pissed off right now.
I just hate it. I hate it when other people gets to blow their temper sky high when they are unhappy, but me? All I do is to shove it deeper and deeper and deeper down my throat.
It's like the whole world is stressed but me. I've got my own share of unhappiness and stress even if it means externally and stay jolly and smile. Changes are difficult for everybody. Everybody is undergoing changes and I've got to admit: I've got it slightly easier. That does not mean I'm not stressed whatsover! I'm moving to a totally new environment with NOT A SINGLE close friend or familiar face; totally new lifestyle and a s*** load of new responsibilities. I'm also insecure and fearful. At least I don't go spitting around at every passerby's face.
Being the oldest son and the biggest investment of the family, I'd be an I**** to not feel the amount of pressure building gradually over the years. Imagine being allocated responsibilities that I myself am not sure how to handle without any room for mistake. It's the fact that I'm useless at management that makes me even more wary about my stupid self. I don't need another slap on my face to remind me that I'm inferior.
I know I'm incapable, I know I'm s*** at everything I do. If I don't live up to certain high expectations then I apologise sincerely. At least I'm trying hard. If trying hard is not encouraging and promising enough then f*** it... I'll just get back to being ignorant.
To think that I was trying to be the benevolent middle person and comfort everyone and make things right... I only get pushed around like a peice of trash.
Even a silly person wouldn't like to be toyed around with. As for a stupid person like me: I certainly REFUSE to be the public gym punching bag.
9 Comments:
which is exactly why i never try to meet expectations anymore. too much effort for too little return.
well, you only lose if what people say to you or what they think of you matters. i've found that more often than not, it doesn't. as many people who think you're shit, more people will think otherwise, or at least have no opinion.
quick silver lining: unfortunately for us, we live in a society of acceptance, if u dont live up to it u will be rejected... i must say i've got it tough... i juz need some appreciation and encouragement to let me know im doing fine, not constant unneccessary pressure... =(
can't please half the people any of the time. society is only half the equation. rejection is something to be expected anyway.
quick silver lining: rejection IS expected; but not easy to take...
Different people blow their tempers in a different way. Some like to shout, some like to get violent, some like to rant it out in writing, like what u're doing right now. The justice is if there was a need to trip the fuse or not, or whether the fuse blew in the right proportion, at the right moment. U R shit if u believe u're shit when u're being called one. Otherwise, u shudn't feel a thing coz u can just pinch ur nose n march pass the shit pile. What I cannot tolerate is the aftermath of that losing of temper. Where's the apology? Where's the solution? I say, f*** it all. Lead ur life n mid ur own business. Follow ur brain n listen to ur heart (or the other way around). Build ur own character n since u hate people throwing tempers sky high, be sure that u won't follow in the same footsteps.
sister: its not the result dat worries me (i know where eventually i'd end up), but its the porcess dats tiresome... im sure u know wat im going through...
can't help it bro... we choose our partners, but unfortunately, we cannot choose our parents. As much as I sympathise and feel what u're saying, I have the almighty burden to remind ourselves that they are afterall our bread winner and the nurturer. The process can be tiresome, but we have no choice. I want to blurt something noble but I cannot bring myself to type it... Just grit ur teeth and bear the punch.
sister: touche... touche...
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