Somethings Will Never Change
This is an after thought from my sister's blog post.
"Studies", with a capital "S". Oh! How important the word. I'm 20 year old and yet, I think its something that no one will ever get tired of stressing. I have been a regular customer on receiving these advices, since I was a baby.
The things I had to overcome for my studies: it really does sum up my life. I was neglected of outdoor sports (hence was a fatty) so I could stay indoors with something educational; I have my PC cables pulled off so I couldn't play computer games; I lacked social life because I wasn't allowed to go out with my friends to do non educational stuff. My entire childhood life was filled with tuitions and extra classes; I left for UK when I was 16 to search for a better educational future, leaving my normal life behind, facing a whole new life of challenges which left alot of determental effect on me now; I kept any interest with girls close to myself fearing my parents would scream my ears out.
Parents would see what they believe. Waking up 9am in the morning to study when everybody is still asleep (like today) = not studying; studying late in the night (almost every other night) = not studying; group revision sessions in library in the evening (a few time a week) = not studying; trying your best in what you do (all the time) = not studying. AHHH... Scoring well in examinations (rarely) = studying! DAMN, I'm not very good at this arn't I?
It is a student's responsibility to study; and it is a son's resposibility to live up to their parents standards - but it is also being a human to live a life. I remember during my A Levels, my mum told me this and I quote, "if studying so much and you still don't get the grades, means you have to study harder, even if it means less time to eat..." Everytime I think about this, my heart sheds tears of pain. It has come to this level. I get no credits for trying hard, no pat on the back - I only get credits for scoring.
Its really sad when a person's views no longer matter to anyone: especially a son's opinion doesn't matter to their parents anymore; no longer gains their parents trust. It's fine, I can live with that: I have been living like that for 20 years now, I'm getting used to it. However, whenever I realise how lack of trust my parents have on me, it makes me sick. 2 years ago. I felt so distant from my family that I never even called them when I was in UK (we're talking months). It seems, my past have dug my grave. Well done. Sometimes, I even wonder: they might be more proud if I end up dying a miserable 20 year old boy but with an Oxford University degree certificate stuck on the front of my grave. If studies are really SO important that is worth disowning a son - I really AM speechless.
I wish to make my decisions, keep my part of the promise to live up to it (at least try my best to live up to it), and hope that people around me, would trust and support me in my decision - not having their will imposed upon mine. They have to realise: their lil' naughty boy has grown up, and his thoughts and opinions need to be heard, no longer needs spoon feeding. If they love me and trust me, then trust me to make my own decisions (I have been brought up the right way to make fairly coherent decisions), and support my decisions. They should understand, if I chose my path: I am willing to make the sacrifices and face the consequences.
Hence the pressure. I try hard to make the grades. So many things are on the line because of my studies. If I have a girlfriend - my parents would blame it on my girlfriend; if I play computer games - they would blame it on the computer games; if I watch much TV - they would blame it on the TV; if I work - they blame on working. I think you get the idea. It's very unfair. Its like when I got short sighted when I'm younger, mum blamed it on computer games, NOT studying too much. Funny things is: I don't really play computer games much considering the PC WIRE IS UNPLUGGED FOR MOST OF THE YEAR! I'd rather they just be sensible and blame me for not caring for my eyes, it wouldn't hurt (emotionally) so much.
Most of you might think this is a rambling of an unmature teenager whom thinks he knows too much (see what I mean about nobody listens to me anymore?) Have it your way. I'm still going to study hard, AND I'm going to live a life - my life. My studies will still remain my 1st priority, but there are the lil' things in life that makes life more important which shall not be neglected such as manners and traditional values.) I will try my best to acheive my dreams and I hope you people out there will bare witness to this, because at the moment: I'm alone as usual - nobody stands on my side or understands me.
22 Comments:
hihi! just happen to browse through these blogs and spotted yours.
parents r always like that. but think about it, they have their points too. and prolly you are the family's only son? so they look at your studies -> future really seriously. (typical chinese mentality)at the end of the day they just don't want you to screw it up. =) cuz' if one they when you really grow up, you have to depend on your own, you can't rely on them anymore. so, as the SON, they are typically worried. =)
but then, maybe you shall just put more effort to study. when i say put more effort, prolly study smart will be a good idea. what are you studying actually?
parents just like to nag. after they nag you can still have fun do whatever you like as long as you show the good grades to them. =)
chill boy. nothing is easy in life. =) bare with it. they ARE your parents. =)
sometimes i find my parents quite weird too, they don't let me play sports and want me to concentrate on my studies. but hey, if i were to be a nerd, i wouldn't become who i am today! =P so just give yourself a pat on the back...
well, i give you a pat on your back... now, you have one person to support you. happy? =)
anonymous: thanks for da encouragement. no, im not da only son, but i am the eldest. im studying... (here goes) ancient history & archaeology (jeng jeng jeng)!
i know they r worried bout my studies, but i want them 2 realise i hav been brought up very sensibly to make wise decisions about my studies.
i will try harder, they dont hav 2 tell me dat. pressuing me will only kill my passion for studying, not encouraging me. it is bringing back da pressures of my past whcih haunted me b4.
ellen: i wanna be successful, not hav fun!
we all have our own demons chungy. sometimes when they live at home, its best to just appreciate life away and deal with it when u have to.
ally: i m trying 2 appreciate life n make da most out of it (this includes studying of course) but there r some whom r tryin 2 change this. i know somethings r important in life, but it doesnt mean it HAS 2 be da ONLY thing in life.
don't you think that you are a bit too hard headed? and think too much?
i know you might be at the age of being rebellious... but y can't you just please them a bit yet make yourself happy? y do you have to think so much?
study hard and play hard. that's wat you should do.
y do you wanna ponder so much 'bout all these things?
boy, no point of thinking and complaining.
start working hard and play hard.
anonymous: hard headed? see? told u no wan would listen 2 me. i dont live 2 please my parents - i live 2 do da rite thing 4 my future. doing da rite thing 4 my future = pleasing my parents, i juz dont see y they hav 2 make it so hard 4 me. i dont need da extra pressure. wat if i told u to study extra hard n no play... n no life (u hav no say in anythin) plus emotionally inferior... wat would u think? u would change ur mind wouldnt u?
ps: i hav passed da age of being rebellious. its not a complaint, its almost a cry for help. its not like i can choose not 2 ponder.
ellen: i will live up to my expectations n my goals - 2 da best of my abilities, but i dont need them 2 worry n remind me 4 da 1,000,000th time! nope, if i dont score well, then exercise will be a reason for not doing well. yes, parents try 2 give us wat they haven got, but remember: we r not our parents, we r not suppose 2 acheive their dreams, we hav 2 acheive OUR dreams.
ps: its spelled "endorphine" =)
Chung, old buddy, if there’s ever a person who can truly empathise with you on this topic; I’m probably one of them.
You and I have been through pretty depressing childhoods and in fact, they're so similar it is almost as if we have the same parents!
You and I have an elder sister who can see both sides of the ever-lasting argument between parent(s) and child.
You and I have walked similar roads (in terms of what we did academically) in Oundle. In fact, despite our resonance during that time, I was a bad influence on you.
Oh and the last of it: you and I are treading our path towards redemption.
We have talked about this before and like you, this little dilemma has plagued my mind since I remember having to be graded academically.
However, only recently I have begun to see the view of my parents: the fact that they truly care about their son (but at the same time care about their "face").
But then, we care about our "face" too, don't we? We both wish to redeem ourselves but why? To make our parents happy? To make ourselves happy? Or both?
I believe that it is a mutual thing. We wish to achieve some form of standing, which others would acknowledge and we wish to please our parents.
This then leads me to conclude that “anonymous’s” input is indeed valid. However, unless you are desire to achieve top grades at university, I do not see why you should force yourself to do so.
In the end, it's all about what you want out of your life. It's all about how far you want to go and how much you want to achieve before you feel truly satisfied by the time your time on this Earth is up.
Not everyone in the world strives towards living balanced lifestyles. There are those, driven so strongly by their goals to achieve that they'll stop at nothing till they achieve it, be that goal fortune, fame or knowledge even. There are also the complete opposite kind of people, whom I shall not elaborate on but are essentially, the complete opposite of the above. So all of it really does boil down to what you want out of life. But then, let us be reminded that our parents are the ones who have been supporting us (financially, physically and psychologically) and the only thing they want in return is for them to believe that we will succeed in this growingly fierce and competitive world.
I still think about this little dilemma that we share (as you can tell), and really, the easiest thing to do is to work and achieve the grades that we will need to have a fighting chance in this world.
Sorry for the double post but please ignore the poor grammar here and there... hehehe... ^,^
mike: yeah, i guess ur rite mike. if theres anywan in my same similar situation... it would hav 2 be u! anyways... i juz wanna do my best, n hav a life also. nowan should be askin 4 more should they? even at da markets, u can only bargain so much for the price.
you know.... i wonder if wouldve been comforting for your parents to have a daughter like me (who started getting so anxious about her results in form one that she perpetually had sweaty palms and super fast heart beat...insomnia before exams or first day of school). not exactly reassuring.
what i do see about your parents view is that cos you're doing archaelogy, it seems to them that only by getting a phd will you be able to get work. and to get a phd u need super great results. not sure bout that?
i spose high expectations come out of the fact that they've got a lot of confidence in you. that's the only good part i see. not like my dad who said: "aiyah. medicine. don't do it la!" or my mum who once discouraged me from entering a debate competition (just once...all in all they're very reassuring)
but yes...i think your parents should loosen up. A lot.
ps: how good is good enough for them though? top scores? is that attainable for you??i think parents being parents..*as you can't choose em, u can only love em* ur only choice is to just knuckle down, ignore the negative comments, and do best you can.
i was kinda like what mickey c said: the type who'll willingly forgo everything to get what i want. but i'm not satisfied. cos i get lonely. but it'd be fantastic to meet fellow geeks to get all worked up bout uni work...i'd willingly geek out if so.
PS: i think its a hakka thing, parents pressuring kids.
you will alwaiz think that you've done your very best... but wat is your very best?
have you reached your threshold?
you might not know your true potential... maybe the more you ar eunder pressure... you will soon discover your TRUE potential... think 'bout it that way... maybe it will make things better... =)
li ann: if they hav da confidence in me, then shouldnt they trust me in doing da rite things? in fact, they're psychologically makin me feel very inferior 2 myself. i really think its a hakka thing... also coz my mum is wan of a kind.
ps: yeah, u'll be da perfect daughter! =P
anonymous: now u think im gettin cocky n juz want recognition? nonono... this has gone da wrong steroetypical view... i know i haven tried my best, i know i hav da capacity 2 go further, n i will try harder (dp we actually know our own capacity?) what i dont need now, is da extra pressure frm other people tellin me wat i should be doing, n let me at least try n do it. im shit at maths, but let me draw u a clearer equation:
THE USUAL:
study average -> get good grades = everything is ok [NOT HAPPENING]
study hard -> get good grades = everything is ok [TRYING BUT PRESSURED 2 DO SO]
MY CASE:
study average -> average grades = everything (work, leisure, girlfriend etc...) condemned to hell as consequences
study hard -> average grades = everything (work, leisure, girlfriend etc...) STILL condemned to hell as consequences
do u see how many things in my life r placed on da line bcoz of studies? trying hard does not = salvation for me. getting da grades = my salvation.
i wont mind working much harder 2 save these things in my life, but scoring is not my game despite much effort (god knows y). hence... wat? im being condemned for trying my best n fail? where is da justice in this? do u see my dilemma?
ps: i wont mind if its juz parents rambling. i can take dat... but this is a psychological war against myself, induced by external factors dat CAN be omitted, but i am sufferin it... n im losing. =(
ps: may i know da name of my fellow active commentator "anonymous"? thankx for advice btw. =)
learn yoga! =)
you can destress!!!
or pilates. strength practice. =P
but yoga will be good. it can help you clear up your mind and you might look at things differently after doing yoga.
jasmine
i think your parents probably have the confidence in your abilities, not necessarily in your hardworkingness, or your maturity.
parents mar. in their eyes you're always cute naughty itty bitty silly lil chungfui.
it IS a hakka thing. my housemates parents even pressures her indirectly to be skinny. and her good results are only acknowledged, a matter of course, something to be expected, rarely praised. her bad results are strongly disapproved
jasmine: (sarcastic) ahhh... so ur saying i should spend some time on yoga, so if my results r bad my parents get ANOTHER thing 2 blame on? HAHAHA!!! NOW u see how it works? welcome 2 my world jasmine.
ps: y not juz put ur comment name as jasmine instead of anonymous?
li ann: me being inferior is indirectly havin psychological effects on my studies. dat is not good. but i suppose i can try 2 endure... like wat i hav been doing... juz hope i dun crack...
How's this as a temporary solution:
Blog less, work more. =P
One less thing to worry about no?
mike: i need a long term solution, not a short term wan! besides: u think blogging take up SO much of my time? =P
Anonymous:
WHO ARE YOU? I have new found respect for my brother's circle of friends! It's like you took those words out of my mouth! I'm surprised my brother didn't come at me with a 'palang' thinking I'm anonymous!
CHONG CHUNG FUI:
Where is your determination?
Where is your target/ goal?
Where is the teenage spirit?
Where is your common sense?
Where is CHONG CHUNG FUI?
I dont' understand why you describe yourself as though you're in the worst possible situation anyone, any child could be in. It's like 'CHONG CHUNG FUI CANNOT SCORE= PRESSURE; Worse than starvation and war'
Using the scale analogy of life being 10 (max), you have no financial problems, you have a good roof over your head, you have a good family, you have good friends, you even found your other half, you have a job you like, you're studying what you want... Your score? 9/10! But you're looking at the 1/10, magnifying it into a global issue, MAKING it into a real issue and BELIEVING that it is an epidermic.
This may sound harsh, but why do you choose to live in the 1/10? What about emphasising the 9/10 to compensate on the 1 so-called-flaw?
Another school of thought is this. Mum and Dad are the sole reason you even HAVE a scale. They contribute to 7/10 of your current scale. Does giving your average even justify a 'fart'? Are you aware that they can easily take away that 7/10? What are you then? ONLY When you are in THAT situation will it be an issue.
Get the picture?
EVERYONE ELSE:
Go on, your turn to 'belasah' my school of thought. Wise man say, you have to go through the day no matter what (Time waits for no man laa) BUT YOU make the choice of whether to go through it happily or with a groan. 'Hoi sum yao yat yat. Mgm hoi sum yao yat yat'
sister: im not saying im not grateful for wat they hav given me (7/10), in fact its da sole reason im being here. yes, life is fulfilling now (9/10), dat other 1/10? im sure is really a simple overcome-able thing.
heres da deal? y do my parents hav 2 make me feel dat da 1/10 will end up justifyin my other 9/10? i know dat other 1/10 is important (if not most), but it doest mean living a life of 3/10 (being only studies, would make me a better person. no, somethings wif similar importance hav been neglected here.
end conclusion: nobody said it was bad, somebody MADE it bad, which doesnt hav 2 be this way.
Cong Huey, I want u to know that I'm proud of u, just the way u r now. I'm proud that after all these years, u have developed a good head over matters .Despite all the pressure(peer/ family) u've turned out to be the young man u r today. *u can give urself a pat on the back* (savour this as I will not repeat this, not in the short-term)
U have a good soul but u tend to let ur heart and emotions come in the way of ur happiness. Nobody can make u unhappy, but urself.
What u say is true. Mum & dad have some resposibility in terms of justifying 9/10 with the 1/10 but don't u think that's coz they want what's best for us? THAT 1/10 is the decider of whether u'll bag success or swimming in regrets.
Sometime I wish someone explained these to me earlier so I can kick start my way to success. I know sometimes it wud require a 'crash n burn' experience before truly 'ling wu'. I shall leave this matter at the Lord's feet and ur capable hands. *praying time will have mercy on us*
sister: ur right. i juz hav 2 try my best despite "intereferences"...
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