光良 - 天堂

I was awaken by the faint sound of piano playing. It's rather familiar. It rings a bell. The tune begins. The gentle colour changes followed by the soothing ambient movements of the water visualization on my laptop casts a faint shadow over my weary body in bed. My tired eyes slowly split apart, greeting that familiar warm feeling. Where... Where have I felt this before? It felt like... Like... Like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold winter's day. No... It was more. I closed my eyes once again, letting the tune sink and absorb into my mind. I searched and I searched: high and low; deeper and deeper.

Then, the tune hits the chorus. My eyes opened once again - this time, wide open. They were cold and still, as I was still trying to comprehend the sudden rush of memories just flushing back into my mind. I realised: I remember this familiar tune, I remember it clearly... Too clearly. It was the chorus. I heard it enough times. I sang it enought times. Most significantly, I heard it sang to me enough times.

Lying still there like a corpse staring at the colourful dancing lights, my mind wandered off. It came back to me. It all came back to me. The feelings: the pain, the agony, the regret, the frustration the sadness - they all came rushing back like a hurricane flooding my mind. The strength that once forced and pushed with all its power and might to the corner of my heart and soul have simply... Burst. I clutched my aching heart tight - for a moment there I thought I struggled to breath. This feeling... It felt as if... As if... I was going to cry. What a bizzare feeling - haven't felt it for years. Then, the tune hits the chorus again. I ran up to my laptop and switched it off before it might cause a migrane. How ironic... No... How tragic, that once a tune loved so dearly would one day turn back and haunt me.

Still breathing deeply, I headed towards the basin and washed my face. As the cool water splashed upon my emotionless face, I received a moment of peace and harmony. Thank God. I looked up and saw my reflection on the mirror. I stared at it motionless for quite a while. I began to wonder: the water dripping down my eyebrows, eyelashes, tip of my nose and mouth - were they just water? Or were they my silent tears?

No... They were not. I gave up on crying a long time ago, I don't cry anymore. Perhaps the water droplets represent my sorrow, but they will never be my tears. I stood there quietly listening to the water droplets dripping down, one by one, into the puddle of water in the basin. The echo of the drops seemed magnified when one's concentrating. However, it was barely enough to cover up the echo of that tune in my mind.

I went back to bed. Using what's left of my courage and strength, I pushed my emotions into a safebox at the darkest corner of my heart; locked it up and swallowed the key. Taking a deep breath, I went back to sleep, making a note to myself never again to leave my music running while I'm asleep. Never again.