16th June 2006 5.30pm

As I walked towards those glass doors, my 3 luggages seemed to felt heavier and heavier, my steps slower and slower. With every step taken, every breath seemed harder to inhale and exhale. No, it wasn't the intimidating faces of the airport security that scared me, for it was the uncertainty which lies beyond those glass doors which really gripped my heart. At one point, I wished custom would arrest me at the green lane so I wouldn't have to walked through those doors.

"No, it can't be possible... Stop dreaming..." I thought, in a sudden moment of contemplation and assurance. "But what if it's true? What are you going to do or say?" The feelings came straight back and smacked right at my throbbing chest. As I slowly paced through those glass door, I was welcomed by an unfriendly blast of warm air. As I peered throught the sudden glare of sunshine, I found myself lost in a crowd of anticipated people.

I stopped at my tracks, staring down at my feet. I cleared my throat, took a deep breath and shook my head before I started to take my first step into the arrival hall. Scenes began to unfold in front of me as I captured them from the edge of my eyes. Literally, the world around me seemed to slowed down. My first few steps: A chinese old lady grabbing insanely large amount of luggage on my right was greeted by large group of (presumably) family and relatives and she broke into tears. I frowed and moved on. My next few steps: A family man to my left was greeted by his pregnant wife and 2 daughters with lots of tender loving hugs. I clenched my teeth together and continued on. Then as I blinding went crashing through the crowd, I accidently bumped into a couple reuniting and making out. They looked up at me with accusing eyes for interupting their moment. I appologised and side stepped away as they resumed their moment.

At the end, I ended up standing in the arrival hall motionless like an idiot, only with the echos of cold announcements as my background music. With those overwhelming feelings coming all back to me, I had to look up the ceiling so those tiny few drops of tears wouldn't find their way down my cheeks. I feel within the midst of the rising hot atmosphere, dark clouds began to form and circulate my brain. A storm is brewing in my head, in front of my eyes: powered by my deepest darkest memories.

How awfully weak I am - I told myself to just run to the train platform when I was collecting my bags: and there I was scanning my eyes at the crowd, doing what I was not supposed to do. I ended up standing there like an idiot for 15 minutes. I get asked if I wanted a ride by a group of assorted eager taxi drivers more than 20 times within that time frame. I paid them no heed. In fact, I paid my brains no heed. At one moment, it just seemed I just wanted to drop all my luggage and run around to search for what I'm looking for.

It took 15 minutes and a cigarette, before my mind finally registered. "No one is coming, what on earth were you thinking?" Defeated by myself, I entered the lift, and my heart sank simultaneously synchronised with the life itself to level 2. At least I din't leave empty handed. I sped off KLIA in the train with a somewhat convinced heart that maybe, looking for what I've lost might not be the best of decisions. Perhaps I should give up seeking what I looking for.

What is that word I wonder... Can somebody define this: The feeling of wanting to see someone so much, but realises there is no beneficial point or reason in seeing that person at all, not knowing how to react or say if the moment arrives. Somebody should definately put a word like that in the dictionary: I would be a regular customer.