Brick Wall
I know it isn't something to be proud of to admit this but...
I haven't cried for a long time, but I did today. I really did let the floodgates open today. I'm tearing silently as I'm typing this right now. Reason? I got slapped by my mum. It hurts... Not my face, but my heart - especially when the slap comes from your own mother.
I must admit, my relationship with my mother has broken down many years ago. I no longer know what she thinks and feels - and eventually, I don't even care anymore. I no longer want to tell her things.
However, I did try to rebuild the bridge between us, trying to bring the gap closer - knowing I have to take the first step since my mum would NEVER change. Today, she has just blown all my efforts to bits. With every slap sinking into my face, I can't help to think I feel being bullied, so stupid for me to even try to patch things back together.
Funny thing is - she asks me "what has come in between us?"
As a son, I have tried my best to change according to your ways of teaching - just as you wanted me to. Ironically, you NEVER ever gave me a chance to allow changes. How hypocritical is that?
She cries and claims how upset she is with me. I'm afraid... Mum, your not the only one in this world which has emotions. I can be hurt just as easily as anyone else. You can tell me I'm useless and all, but just because you're my mother doesn't give you the right to spit on my face and expect me to lick it all up and say it taste good.
I leave with one word of advice to all the mothers' in the world "learn to listen, and not to assume".
Time to rebuild the brick wall 0nce again.
22 Comments:
听见你和你妈妈的关系那么差，很替你难过。我知道外人是没资格给你任何意见的。。因为毕竟这是你的家事。
但是，我想说，无论我们的妈妈多不好，她们依然是把我们带来这世界的人。没有她们，就没有我们的存在。
我妈呢， 从我出世以来，说真的，都没有真正的给过我‘母爱’。。她也不是100% 的好妈妈。。家务从小都是我们在做。。。我小学中学毕业她从来没过问过。。但是我从来没怪她。因为，不管她再不好，她还是我们的母亲。每个人一生只有一个母亲啊~
也许，我不明白你们之间发生什么冲突和误会。但，我想信，没有一个母亲是不爱她的子女的。 虽然她有错，就原谅她吧。。只有原谅和包容才可以把你的心结打开。请不要建那倒“墙”把你们的关系拉得更远了。。也许有一天你回头看看，你会后悔的。
allysa: 我并没有说我妈妈不好。。。 其实呢， 她是太好了 - 就什么都要教， 什么都要责备。 幸亏是说她的孩子们都懂事， 所以了解她的出发点； 如果我们不懂事呢？ 那会弄巧成拙的。4-5年前， 就是因为她这样， 而我没那么懂事， 搞到母子关系都冷淡了。
我并没打算不原谅她， 我的人是不记仇的 - 反而发脾气的是她， 不是我。 我没说她错， 她很对 - 她只是不能够接受批评或别人的意见， 不能have a normal conversation at all. 加上她火气非常非常大， 说话时非常的讽刺。 她说我伤了她的心， 难道她没伤我的心吗？ 为什么要教我， 可是要make me feel like da most worthless peice of shit in this world呢？
后悔？ 放心机搞好关系的是我， 珍惜的也是我。 我有什么还没做？ 什么东西需要后悔？ 一个孩子一点点不懂事是世界末日吗？ 她没想到她的孩子们已经是比普通同岁的孩子更加懂事。为什么教孩子要怎么harsh, 不能normal的讲吗？为什么 expect我们好像“理所当然”会明白呢？
所谓 (metaphorically)， “虽然骂是好意， 可是我们怎样可以没反应？ 你骂我们时口水喷满脸时， 你expect我们没反应， 还会把口水lick干净然后说它味道很好吗？”
我明白你的意思。其实，每个人都有他们不同的表达方式。。也许你妈妈用了比较harsh的方式来对待你们。 或许她的egoism很强，永远都觉得她是对的。 如果你了解她的性格，又何必在意她那过分的态度呢？ 就只好接受和互相礼让吧~
我感觉到你现在还是有点生气你妈妈吧。 没关系， 气消了以后就没事啦 ^^
虽然我这样说有点傻。。但是，如果你肯低头说声，“对不起” ，也许你妈妈会被感动也知道她也有错。人们说，“忍一时，风平浪静，退一步，海阔天空”=)
别伤心了。。虽然我不能为你做些什么，但是我会很细心的安慰和鼓励你。加油哦！ (“，)
我真心的祝福你。。希望有一天你会和你妈妈和好=)
ai. tak faham.
at any rate, i don't go out of my way to try to please anybody. unless of course it makes sense to.
from where i stand, the only thing we owe our parents for is what they do that's not in the contract they unwittingly signed when they decided to have kids.
*pat pat on Chung Fui's shoulder*
有时候当局者迷。身为第三者的姐姐看得很清楚。我们三个孩子，妈妈最疼的是你。从小到大都一样。变化的原因相信双方都有责任。
从辉，妈妈一直都没变。十年，二十年以来都一样。变的是你。你长大了。你学会了拿自己的妈妈和全是界最好的妈妈比较。你总觉得妈妈应该温柔点儿。觉得妈妈应该为我们而变。我记得曾经告诉过你说，妈妈的本性是不可能变。她关心和过份紧张我们的性格也不会变。原因很简单---那就是天下为人父母的心。
不过相信你自己也feel到妈妈已经尽量常识接受我们慢慢长大，慢慢会离开她身边。也许妈妈想争取这段时间积极教导我们，好让我们出来社会工作时不被别人利用和欺骗。
It's not her choice to want to make us feel like a worthless piece of shit. We ARE kinda useless at this stage and like you said, thank goodness we're mature enough to understand she didn't mean it literally. So if you knew she didn't mean it literally, then why take it into offense? Why take it into heart?
Remember when you said to me that I'm like a slap in the face when you need good honest advice? Mummy's the slap to our faces... Only her's is 10 times magnified. Some mothers, like our grandma, would rather chicken out and hide than tell our dad off for drinking... remember? You can count on mummy to do the right thing when the situation is like so. You wudn't want mummy to turn out like gran, do you?
昨晚在错乱中，我为了要把你两分开也挨了好几拳。妈妈会生气起来是因为你说话的语气真的过分了。那始终是妈妈。你不能对她不礼貌。你是否尝试从妈妈的角度去看这事吗？你有尝试体会一下妈妈的痛楚吗？
身为子女的的确是 owe our parents a lot. Allysa 说的没错。A son, building a brick wall against his own mother is something you will regret doing. I'm not asking you to pretend nothing has happened. I'm telling you that last night, both of you said some things which were not necessary. As a mother, she needn't contorl. As children, we have no right to retort childishly. Mummy's not the enemy. Don't back off. Hold on to the brownie crumbs!!!
Everything will be alright...no matter what she still is your mother and she still loves you..
There is one time that I quarrelled with my mom that I told her I don't want to study anymore when I was in KL then the day itself I just flew myself back..haha~
She was so shocked then din talk to me..then later on ask me come back again..haha~~
Seems like a pretty small case..but no matter how big or small the case is..She still loves you..probably coz you had been in UK studying...so she just misses you..and sometimes when you miss some1 then when you c them u just wanna scold them..hehe..I think i've experienced that..
Take care ya, bro.
Hey, I dno what ure family situation is like, but I do understand that every family has its skeletons..heck, make that a whole cemetary full of them in their closets...
You'd always love to believe that family should treat you unconditionally, that they should be the rock which you build yourself upon, but as you grow up you do realise that families have their faults too as does everything/everyone else.
But u know what, hang in there.
Muax~ Hugzz.. Everything's gonna be alright. Will always be there.. Take care
allysa: "harsh"这字太简单了吧。。。 more like 有点点变态。。。 我时没选择一定要接受她的性格： 却根本没有“互相”礼让这个道理。 我并不是生气 - 有一点点啦， 可是非常非常的失望。 父母对孩子失望是很正常的； 但孩子对父母失望呢？ 如果我做到这样的父亲， 我自己会觉得很失望。 我受了很重的伤 - 在跟妈妈说对不起就等于再给她骂 - 我的心再也受不了更多的伤害了。 妈妈和我可以说是“明天就没什么事了”， 可是我心里自动疏远了她 - 并不是我自己想要的。
quick silver lining: u say pleasing anybody - u mean u dont suck up 2 anywan? even if it means appeasing ur parents? maybe its a different family background we hav... so ur saying i should tell my parents "its ur fault 4 bringin' me into this world..."?
vss3t: thanks... needed dat... =(
sister: its correct our mother dint change after 10-20 years... but i've changed - i've grown up. it doesnt mean if i cant take her attitude now means im not as obedient as i was when i was young, it means i should be treated differently coz im older now.
i nvr doubt her objective or her heart... but her method (im even sorry 2 say this) really sucks... i cant believe we've taken these shits for so many years... makes me wonder if she'll ever let us go?
do u realise one reason i've (maybe even chung sheng) turned out 2 be so unconfident n useless bcoz she has sheilded us too well? she has 2 realise her methods r backfiring - it has da opposite effects dat she wants... n if it wasnt 4 us understanding children, we could hav turned out 2 be a disaster. example: i know a friend whom was slapped by their parents n he vandalised his house, chucked a stone at his dad and ran away from home for 2 months... now, me going overboard arguing my wif my mum doesnt really sound dat bad after all now does it? again - i feel depreciated. i dun take it literally - but when its repeated several million times it kinda gets 2 u... u know wat i mean?
i need a slap on my face, but mum's slap is not juz honest advice - its harsh n her tone is unecessary. i could hav learnt it better without taking words of pain like dat frm others like urself...
i know i said some hurtful stuff 2 mum as well, hence i deserve a slap too... but y must she feel like she is da only wan in da whole wide world feelin so bad? wat bout me? does she know wat determental effect dat slap has 4 me? does she know dat slapping me at 7 years old and 21 years old gives different response n effect? well, i hope she does... bcoz da damage is done.
i respect this mother son hierarchy, but it doesnt mean she's immortal. being my mum doesnt mean i lose my rights 2 reason n speak - n certainly doesnt mean she can kill me n get away wif it... dats y i hate it when she always say she is gonna "strangle chung sheng until he dies..."
wendy: ur case is very very different lar. in my case, if i've done wat u did - she would hav disowned me. if i play rough, she will play it even more rough. it is a small case, i know. but this underlines a history of ongoing feelings n emotions dat juz accumulated n unleashed itself.
christina: my mum always lecture me on how "bai kia" i am coz i'd do more 4 my friends than my family... which is true 2 a certain level at a certain period of my life. i admit it. but then considering da cause of these problems... who was it dat made me feel this way? is it wrong 4 me 2 hav these natural feelings? n now, im trying 2 rebuild this bridge - i get slapped on da face. =(
junie: thanks, i'll get a hug frm u when i next see u... =)
Just curious, how old is your mom?
han: shes born in 1955 - so shes 52 in 2007.
”家家有本难念的经“
身为外人的我们，其实真的很难了解你们之间到底有多深的误会。。我会明白你对你妈妈这样的态度不是你想要的。。所有事都是两方面的。她这样对你，很自然的你也会疏远她和无法接受她的态度。
不多说了，因为我知道说什么也可能无法减轻你心理的痛。。一个家，不管它再不好，它毕竟是我们的家。有些人，想找个人骂他管他也没有- 那就是孤儿。 算起来，我们比他们好命了吧，不是吗？
allysa: 而且误会是这么多年来， 慢慢累积起来的。所以说， 我妈妈并不能怪我这么feel, 不是我能控制到的。 对吗？我想你讲得对吧。。。 有些人连父母都没有。。。
Well in truth I'm not advocating the "because they are family you have to love them" or "blood is thicker than water" coz I think that's a big bunch of bull...sometimes even friends end up being more honest and closer to you than blood relations ever will...
In terms of ure relationship with ure mum I don't know enough details to make a judgement who's "right" or "wrong" neither do I want to make one, all I can say is do what you will within reason...
christina: im not trying 2 disregard da hierarchy of parents, friends n siblings... but i think we should be fair n take resposibility over our actions - so for example: if i've upset my bro n im in da wrong, then i should appologise or at least feel da slightest remorse n take da consequences. i cant make him feel like a peice of shit n then tell him its all his fault 4 feeling this way. get wat i mean?
If you feel that I'm 'adding petrol to fire', then stop reading now... otherwise have the pateince to finish this, for I too have taken the time out for this.
It's hard for me to judge the situation or to have any say on anyone's behalf. I will agree that sometimes (I repeat, SOMETIMES) her methods may be a little amplified and OTT, but that's just our mother. Imagine parents comes in packages- 10 is the perfect package, 0 being the useless parents. Our mom is 9/10. 1/10 is that stinky tone and sometimes overly harsh criticisms. If you ask me, I'm pretty satisfied with the other 9/10 and I'm willing to work (on my part) to accomodate her short comings. It's not a lot to ask for from a child (coz she did bring us into this world, she did bring us up, she did put a roof over our heads, she did try to fill dad's absence, she did try to be a lot of things (in which I think she did the best she could!) As for that, I appreciate and love our mummy. Again, for that, I, as a child, will work around her 1/10.
The night of the incident: I will not take sides (how cud I? one's me ma, one's me bro?) but honestly, you said somethings which shouldn't have come out from a son's mouth (to a mother). I would expect to hear this from a 12 year old, but not a 21 year old. You may put the blame on heat of the moment (and so will mummy with the hurtful things she say) but u didn't have to say those things. You knew what mom was like and you knew those words (like daggers) will drive straight through her nerves. Overall conclusion towards that incident, BOTH of you said some stupid things, both of you said some unnecessary things, both of you said a lot of hurtful things. Now if you were both friends, or just normal relations, then violence was uncalled for... But one is mother and one is son--- Have you forgotten that?
As for aftermath of the incident. THIS I HAVE TO PUT IT UP LOUD AND CLEAR. You were exceptional. You did all you could. I bow in silence and nod with respect. You did all you could as son, brother and friend but there's still no pleasing. I feel for you. I do. I've been there, I've had the poison. It's awful. I know. I tried my very best to get mummy off your back and off your face but as you could see, my efforts didn't stop her from treating you any different. (Clearly she's still very mad and upset) I don't know how this will end... or how it will continue... But be sure to know that I'm here. Everything's gonna be in control. I will come in when necessary. (That's the least I can do)
Besides all that junk in that trunk, I think I've wrapped up what I've gotta say. If it's still not your cup of coffee, may be read it in a couple of months' time. This is probably the most accurate diagnose to the matter. Give it some thought.
sister: its not about accomodating her short comings - juz coz she is 90% of da time correct doesnt make her 10% wrongs right. if we can accomodate 10% of her mistakes, then she should realise she HAS a 10% chance of a mistake - not 100% correct. i appreciate everything she has done 4 us... but i believe da same result could hav been achieved without shedding so much tears...
it takes 2 hands 2 clap - i admit i said some hurtful things, but so did she. blame me for not holding back (how many children can actually hold back frm their parents all da time like us?) but then she was da one who: due 2 ignorance of my feelings first - has struck da first deep blow. u KNOW it takes ALOT 2 trigger a happy-go-lucky guy like me...
again... i dont deny dat i've been wrong... i really do know - but im getting quite sick of this "im mother n im almighty" thingy - n while we're trying so hard 2 change ourselves... maybe she can take it easy n change too, after all - it takes 2 hands 2 clap...
hi there, first time posting... i had an argurment with my mum recently too. It's in my blog. I couldn't write it in detail becos it will hurt so much just to bring it up again. hopefully you have patched things up a lil with your mum by now...
hazel: thanks 4 comforting me... my mum n i got over it.. but we're juz back on normal terms...
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